Training up Our Children

Part 3 – God’s Plan for Raising Children
Session 2 – Training up Our Children

James 5:12

12 But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment.

When raising children, why is it important that our "no" means "no"? What do your children do to get around your no’s?

I don’t think it can be emphasized enough that parents yes’s must mean yes and their no’s must mean no. If we make promises to our children, we need to do our absolute best to keep them. If we constantly say things that we don’t mean and promise things that we can’t do, we will violate an important trust that is necessary between parent and child. Just as important as keeping our promises is to be firm when we say no. A parent should never tell a child no unless they mean to enforce it. A no must always mean no. Most children will test their parent’s resolve. No matter how much arguing, whining, or cute cajoling your child does, a no should never be changed to a yes except in extreme emergencies. This is why it’s important that one parent support the No of the other parent, even when we disagree with it.

I have seen parents in restaurants tell their children not to do something. The children stop for a few seconds and then resume what they were doing. They know full well that the parents "no" carries little weight. If you want your children to be obedient, you must start at a young age enforcing your commands. If you tell them not to do something, that means you can’t go back to talking to your friend and ignoring your children. You must be totally aware of what your children are doing at all times. As soon as they violate what you have instructed them, they must be forced to comply with your wishes. This requires hard work and determination. You can never give in but must always be diligent and conscientious in your discipline. You will find that if your yes means yes and your no really means no, that it will become easier to get your children to obey. But if your no means "maybe," or "wait until I get too tired or distracted to be bothered," then you will compound your discipline problems.

Proverbs 22:6

6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

How do we train our children? What is the promise in this verse?

There are many facets of training children. Here are a few areas of training we should all exercise. 1. Teaching values. We must teach our children right from wrong. This is why religious training is so important. 2. Teaching discipline. We must love our children enough to set boundaries on their behavior. Children are looking for direction from their parents. We need to help our children become disciplined individuals. 3. Teaching commitment. Children need to be required to follow through on pledges they have made. If your child signs up for the baseball team, he shouldn’t be allowed to quit after a few games because he doesn’t like it. 4. Placing demands. Children will usually do what’s expected of them. We need to place realistic demands on our children. They should understand that something is expected of them.

The promise in this verse is that when our children are old, or grown, they will not depart from our training. This does not mean that they won’t make a detour for a period of their life, but it does mean that they have the proper training to know the right way. Parents cannot make life choices for their children. Each child has to decide for themselves to serve God, but parents can equip their children with the proper tools to help them make the right decisions.

Proverbs 19:18

18 Chasten your son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.

What does the phrase "while there is hope" mean to you? How do you chasten your children?

The time that a child is in our home is our time to prepare our child for life. After that, their behavior is set and there is little hope to change this behavior. This is why it is important to try to influence a child’s personality development at a young age. We need to chasten our children when they do wrong so they will know what is right. The King James Version renders the last phrase of this verse, "and let not thy soul spare for his crying." Too often parents don’t want to listen to a child’s wails and complaints so they give in. But nothing can be worse for a child.

No matter how many tears they cry, or how many temper tantrums they throw, or what a big scene they make, we should not give into those cries.

Many parents don’t discipline because they are afraid their children will throw a temper tantrum especially when they are in public. Children learn quickly that by throwing a temper tantrum, they will be able to have their own way. This is not a good lesson for them to learn. The parents should be the ones in charge of their children, the children should not be the ones controlling the parents. Temper tantrums and long periods of loud crying should be treated as unacceptable behavior too. Here is how we put a stop to temper tantrums and long, loud crying spells. After a brief period of throwing a tantrum, we informed our sons that if they continued, they would receive additional punishment. And when they continued, they were quickly punished. They soon learned to keep their tantrums brief and to cut their crying off quickly.

While they are young, children need to learn there are boundaries and where the boundaries are. There are many ways to discipline children. Different children will respond to different methods. But don’t give up on a discipline method just because it seems to be ineffective. Whenever you are disciplining, you are teaching your children that there are boundaries in life – there is some behavior that is unacceptable.

Proverbs 22:15

15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him.

What do you think it means, "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child"? Were you spanked as a child? Do you spank your children? What other punishments can you use instead of spanking? What is the advantage of spanking?

Children do foolish things. When adults act irresponsibly, we say that they are acting childish. It is our job as parents to replace that bad behavior with godly behavior. Left on their own, our children will grow up to make a lot of foolish mistakes, and do a lot of stupid things. This is why proper parenting is essential for the future well-being of a child.

This verse advocates spanking a child. Some parents are uncomfortable with this form of punishment, and there are other forms of discipline which can be effective. But many of the alternative forms of punishment (such as grounding, time out, verbal correction, send to their room) are difficult for younger children to comprehend. And my experience with parents who don’t spank is that in order to get their point across, they wind up yelling at their children more.

Spanking has the advantage of being instant and quickly completed. After a child is spanked, a child may resume normal activities, and the parent can resume a normal attitude. During time out or standing in the corner, this requires a longer period of time for the child to fume, and a longer period of time for the parent to be in the disciplining mode making sure the child stays where they are supposed to. To me, the fact that with spanking the punishment is quickly over I find very beneficial. The longer time a child spends being punished, the longer there is a separation emotionally between parent and child. And with younger children, spanking is much easier for them to understand and to endure. They quickly move on from the spanking to other activities. The younger the child, the shorter the attention span. So a long time out is extremely difficult on a young child whose focus is easily and quickly diverted to other things.

Whatever punishments you use, the important aspect of discipline is to be consistent, to allow your child to see your displeasure with their wrong behavior, and to later (not immediately afterwards) let them know that you discipline them because you love them and want them to learn to do what’s right. It is important that parents emphasize that their love for their children is not determined by how good or bad they act. Rather their love is unconditional.

Proverbs 29:15

15 The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

What does this verse teach us about a child who receives no training? What are the two things listed that give wisdom to a child? How does each work to help a child?

This verse warns us that a child left to himself will not grow up right. Children are naturally selfish, and without discipline, they will grow up learning to indulge their basest desires. Notice this verse tells us two things that give a child wisdom – the rod and rebuke. The rod refers to any form of discipline. Discipline of itself is ineffective without instruction. This is why I believe it’s important that parents show that they are displeased with their children’s bad behavior. A good rebuke will help the child to identify what’s inappropriate and what’s not. And I think after the child has calmed down and resumed normal activities, it’s a good idea to explain the reason for the discipline.

Proverbs 29:17

17 Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.

What are the results if we correct our children when they are young? How do you think undisciplined children cause unrest for parents?

If we correct our children when they are young, we will not have to worry about them nearly as much as they get older. I can truthfully say that as my two sons were going through high school, I had few concerns about them doing the right thing. And they did not disappoint me. They both were responsible, resisted peer pressure, and resisted the temptations of youth. I knew many parents who were worried sick over their children in high school. This verse tells us if we will correct our children, they will give us rest. We will not have to worry. And as they grow up to be productive citizens, they will make us proud, or as Solomon put it, "give delight to your soul."

Proverbs 13:24

24 He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.

Why is prompt discipline so important? If we are unwilling to discipline our children, what does this verse tell us?

Prompt discipline is very important. This is why I don’t think the old idea of Mom saying, "wait till your father gets home" is good discipline. Children need to be disciplined immediately in order to understand that bad behavior has immediate consequences. Another disadvantage of delaying discipline is that it is easy to sometimes forget to enforce the discipline later. This is definitely sending a wrong message to the child – there are times you can get away with it!

This verse tells us that if we are unwilling to discipline our children, we hate them! But if we love them, we will discipline them. This is strong language, but I believe it’s true. Parents who refuse to discipline are doing their children no favors. In fact, parents who won’t consistently discipline their children often do it because they are busy with other things and don’t want to be bothered. If we love our children, we will want them to turn out to be strong and responsible adults. This does not happen automatically. It requires a great deal of love, patience, and effort on the part of the parents. Let us be willing to spend the time to properly train and discipline our children. We discipline our children not because we are mad at them but because we love them enough to care about how they will turn out.

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